Amateur Protagonist Alister Sneddon

I once almost won a procrastinating contest, but I turned up.

Step by Step Guide to Becoming an Investment Lad

1st May 2015
By Alister Sneddon

You might be sitting at work or home thinking to yourself "I wish I could invest my money and generate easy revenue for myself." You might have even done the odd Google search for investments and even watched a little bit of the budget announcements. Investing is hard and everyone keeps telling you that you can lose all your money.

Now while your lack of effort and the very real risks to completely ruin your life are extremely serious barriers at entry, they are also lad point multipliers.

You might be cruising the night life of London and meet a few investors or people who claim to have great tips. The problem is when you ask them about their investments it is always the same thing. "Oh based on my fundamental research" or "I use CFD's to turn my monthly wage into a boat every month." Now these people might be living the dream, but they sure as hell as not racking up the lad points are they?

So here is a simple step by step to becoming a man of the manor, a lad investor and a legend of the financial world.

Has this company ever sponsored your team?

Let's be honest, if they don't have the time for the finer things in life then why should you? Everyone knows the rules about all work and no play. You don't want a Shining situation with your investments now do you?

Is it a bank?

Old men invest in banks. No lad goes on the pull with RBS or Barclays printed on his shirt, what does that tell you.

Do your mates know the company?

Did you think this would be easy? Half of investing is telling people you are investing and what you are investing in. No one wants fucking war and peace to explain they print posters or make the little bristles on the bottom of the shit stick.

Are you prepared to sell them if you hear anything which goes against your image?

Picture the moment, you are down 30 percent and not in a position to sell, you are looking at going long to make the cash back. Suddenly news comes out that said company removed their adverts with half naked women because of complaints. Remember an investment is a reflection on your inner person, gun manufacturers, beer companies and sporting equipment providers are the only sure bets.

Will it get you laid?

Try telling some lass BP is a smart long term investment. After the 10 minutes of being told you are the scum of the earth, plus all the small animals that were too slow to evolve to your level are dying, your dick is shrivelled and you regret waking up that morning. Be a smart lad. If you are ever in a bad spot just remember "If charities where publicly listed companies I would invest in them."

You might be thinking you are ready to start investing; maybe you were going to start some free account with fake money. Do you also put fake money on England to win the world cup? An Investment Lad is all in or all out.

Full disclosure, I might own some of the shares I mentioned. Hell I might even own the shares you are looking at right now. In fact just assume I am completely biased towards everything, literally everything. You see that rock outside your place? Yeah that one, I have a bias on that too.

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